Chapter Text
**** **** Stede **** ****
“Hello, hello in there!”
Stede leaps out of bed, heart suddenly hammering in his chest and anxiety flooding through his body. He keeps to a crouch and throws a hand out to Ed to keep him where he is.
It’s not Jack’s voice on the megaphone, Stede thinks, but someone is f*cking shouting outside the building in the middle of the goddamn night, ringing a f*cking dinner bell for every f*cking sprinter in the area. f*ck!
He snatches up the soft sweats Ed forced him into and tosses the skin-tight jeans to the edge of the bed.
“We’re up high, but keep low and stay away from the windows,” Stede says, not bothering to keep quiet at this point as he tugs on his shirt, finding Ed’s eyes in the dark, moonlit room.
He watches as Ed pulls on his jeans and jumps a few times to get them over his round little bubble butt before diving towards Stede to find his own shirt.
f*ck. He can’t come out there with me. What if it is the settlement from Seattle? But he’ll never stay inside. And I don’t think I can f*cking tell him no anymore…
And if we’re going to die anyway…
Stede chews his lip while Ed tugs his shirt over his head and squats down on his poor knee.
Together, Stede decides silently and skirts around a window towards the aisle at the end of this tower of shelves.
There’s tools in this section. Tools they added to their loot pile to help build the rest of their lives.
Tools that might be moot. Lives that might be forfeit.
“Doug hasn’t been on a watch alone, right?” Ed asks as he almost f*cking crab walks in his tight ass pants, trying to keep low. “One of our guys has always been with him?”
“Every minute,” Stede says, eyes narrowed. “You think this is him?”
“I don’t…” Ed hesitates and looks at Stede with those huge doe eyes filled with doubt. “I don’t not think it’s him?”
Stede nods. Ed’s caught them in a lot of lies—his caution is to be expected. And Stede barely knows Doug, doesn’t know or trust Mary anymore, how can he possibly make a judgment call here?
He has to come outside with me, Stede thinks miserably. We all should at this point. Present a united front. If they came to kill us all, they’ll take the warehouse anyway.
If they came to kill us—
“You’ve got two minutes to get one of these bay doors open,” the bored voice on the bullhorn calls.
“I’m gonna shove that megaphone down her f*cking throat,” Ed grumbles as they make their way over to the stairs in the center of the room.
“Faster we get out there, faster she shuts up,” Stede says calmly, trying to be soothing when he knows he’ll hold her still for Ed to shove the bullhorn down her throat if given half a chance.
Stede’s stressed, yes, but Edward does not handle unexpected strangers well. He’d held a gun to Mary’s face, nearly killed Archie after they’d whacked Stede over the head and had remained prickly for the first couple of days, even though everyone else absolutely adores her. He came around eventually, of course—stubborn little thing—and is now just as sweet and friendly with Archie as everyone else. But getting there…
They go down flight after flight of steps, quickly and silently, and join the rest of the crew, already loaded up with armor and weapons and extra ammo.
Stede watches as Ed grabs his gear and gives it to Mary, touched beyond measure. He knows Ed doesn’t trust her any more than he trusts Doug, but he makes an effort with her, because she’s the mother of your children, he says.
Because he’s perfect.
Stede sees the added layer beneath the words, the love he has for Alma and Louis is beauty in its purest form. He didn’t know them. He had no obligation to care about them, even after they decided to stay together. He hadn’t needed to teach them to shoot, and therefore hunt, to teach them what plants were safe to eat and how to clean a fish or smoke venison until it was dry and safe to keep for long periods.
He just loves them, and the kids clearly think the world of Ed.
Because Ed is f*cking perfect.
Christ, Stede had thought he’d been in love with him back in Seattle, but it hadn’t even scratched the surface. He’s not just gorgeous and sweet, Stede’s biggest takeaway from their all too brief time together. Ed is unimaginably smart, riotously funny, endlessly kind, protective and thoughtful and loving and attentive and he loves my kids! He saved my actual children from starvation and certain death.
The least Stede can do is return the favor.
He stuffs Ed into his own gear and puts his jacket on him, keeping close to his side while everyone gets into position. Mary and Doug keep to the back and the others stack in between them with Ed and Stede at the front. It’s nice to see the crews blending together so well—
A stab of anger creeps into the edges of Stede’s mind and he clenches his jaw against the fury trying to curl his lip off his teeth.
They’re not taking this from me. I just got them back. I just found out what love feels like. They can’t take it away already.
Stede finds Ed’s fingers, tangles them together with a squeeze he hopes feels reassuring and not panicky, and casts a glance back at his people before bending to open the bay door they’d come through, a few doors down from the one concealing their vehicles.
There’s a moment of doubt and a cold flash of terror and anguish wherein Stede second guesses every decision he’s ever f*cking made, all ultimately leading to the same f*cking conclusion: Edward should be in the van, ready to run.
But as soon as the door is open, Stede sees that it would have been futile no matter what. There’s four vehicles outside the doors and close to thirty bodies, all pointing some kind of barrel at each and every one of them, twice over.
There’s no chance. There’s not a single way we survive this if the objective was to come here to kill us.
“Hi there!” Stede says loudly, flinching when multiple torch beams swing onto his, and subsequently Edward’s, face. “What brings you out here this time of night?”
“Strangers in my neighborhood,” bullhorn calls back.
She has a very sweet little face, lovely almond eyes, pigtails for f*ck’s sake, and a goddamn flamethrower aimed right at Stede’s face.
“Well, I apologize for that,” Stede says earnestly. “Didn’t know this was anyone’s neighborhood.”
The woman hops down off the bed of the truck she’s standing on, passing her megaphone off to someone behind her.
“Zheng,” she says in a bored voice, looking them over. “You’re in charge?”
She pauses to look up at Stede curiously. Ed bristles beside him and adjusts his grip on Stede’s fingers.
“Stede.”
He extends a hand that goes ignored and drops it again.
“We really didn’t mean any harm,” Stede continues. “Looking for supplies for my people—nothing more.”
“Supplies from my neighborhood.”
Zheng tilts her head to the side as her eyes slide over to Edward, pigtails swinging.
“Is there a problem?” she asks, sidestepping to look up at Ed instead.
“About to have a big one,” Ed says, narrowing his eyes to glare at the taunting face and the flamethrower preventing him from getting at it.
“Nonono,” Stede says quickly, tugging Ed’s arm behind his back. “We’re all just talking here, sweetheart.”
“Clearly the smart one,” Zheng breathes. “I’d listen to him… sweetheart.”
Ed shifts his feet uncomfortably and presses closer to Stede, who isn’t faring much better.
“Just so happens I’m in a hurry, Stede!” Zheng continues conversationally, eyes sliding back to meet Stede’s. “And our intentions are fairly focused at the moment, so I’d just like to clear some things up and get on with the rest of my f*cking night. Sound good? Good!”
Before Stede can open his mouth, a low thrum snakes through the press of bodies behind him and an arrow goes flying, straight through the crowd of people—more people than Stede’s been around in years! So many he’s f*cking prickling inside—to hit a sprinter through the eye, still a hundred yards out.
Guns flash back up from their relaxed position, taking aim again and Stede shoves Ed behind him and spreads his arms wide in front of his people with his heart in his f*cking throat.
“Just dropping the dead ones!” Stede shouts quickly, glancing back as Henry lowers his crossbow. “You made a good deal of noise on the way in. They’re bound to follow.”
“That was the whole point,” Zheng says easily. “Where are you coming from?”
Stede pulls the tip of his tongue over his teeth and considers his answer.
“The east—east of here,” he begins, unwilling to give up much more when his kids are in the lodge with only a handful of protectors—less than half of what’s here.
“We’re on the west coast,” Zheng says in mock confusion. “Everything’s east of here.”
“I’m sure you can understand my hesitation,” Stede says evenly, holding back the fear and frustration and keeping Edward behind him. “I can't imagine you’d want your address to be public knowledge these days.”
“You’re not really in the position to make that kind of call,” Zheng stage whispers, tilting her head slightly.
The confidence on her is unsettling but not misplaced. She’s got the upper hand and she knows it. She and her people have absolutely come up in the world with little more than an annoyance standing in their way.
“We’re…” He pauses, making a show of a deep, resigned sigh. “Leavenworth,” Stede says shortly. “We’re near Leavenworth.”
Zheng smiles, obviously delighted by Stede’s answer.
“That was almost convincing,” she says gleefully, raising her flamethrower again.
Stede takes a quick step back, forcing Ed back into the press of the rest of their people.
“Put it down, Zheng,” a tired voice calls from the back of the small crowd behind them.
Stede’s head whips around, sick to his f*cking stomach, to see Doug striding forward. Ed tenses behind him, clutching onto his fingers so tightly his fingertips tingle.
Son of a bitch. Is Ed right? Is all of this him?
But Zheng’s eyes dart over to Doug and her expression folds into a furious f*cking snarl that distorts her features into something feral and hateful, full of malice and contempt.
“They’re not with The Settlement,” Doug drawls, weaving his way up to the front. “Just decent people trying to make it.”
“And your presence here makes that so believable,” Zheng says acidly as a few of her people hop down from the truck to flank her. She flicks her head in Doug’s direction. “Take him.”
f*ck.
“Wait!” Mary shouts from the back of the group. “It’s me you want,” she says quickly as she stumbles forward. “I killed your aunt, not him.”
“Oh. what the f*ck?” Ed grumbles quietly before stepping quickly from behind Stede and blocking Mary’s path. “Okay—alright, look.” Ed holds his hands up in front of him as Stede’s heart slams into his throat. “We aren’t from Leavenworth but we aren’t with the settlement in Seattle. We left Seattle to get away from them.”
Zheng considers Ed calmly, staring him down with a pensive little frown tucking her full lips into her cheek.
“Annnnd he’s the honest one,” she finally says. “How did these two join your group?”
Ed steps closer to Stede’s side, clearly searching for a bit of strength, before he sucks in a trembling breath.
Stede squeezes his hand, reading the anxiety on his face clearly, and answers for him.
“They were—”
“Not you,” Zheng cuts Stede off. “You’ve already lied to me.” Her eyes slip back to Edward. “You. Answer.”
“They had kids with them,” he says immediately. “They were going to die so I… I took them in.”
“And do you know what they are?” Zheng asks leadingly.
“Recent discovery,” Ed says shortly.
“Mm.”
“We met someone else that escaped—”
“Edward—” Stede breathes, anxious with the level of disclosure.
Zheng’s finger flies up in front of Stede’s face, silencing him immediately, but Ed’s posture turns defensive.
“They recognized Doug—” He grits his teeth and glances to the left, to Doug, and Mary who’s crept up behind him, but his posture turns confident and he stands a little taller, his chin lifts a little higher, he f*cking glows a little brighter. “Look, Zheng. I don’t know the extent of his malfeasance or what he did to you and your people. Given every reaction I’ve seen from people who knew him then, it can’t be anything f*cking good—and I am sorry for your struggles. Truly. But I also know that this group in Seattle is the real problem. And… judging by your intentions being focused elsewhere—in Seattle, I assume—they’re as much your problem as they are ours.” Ed squeezes Stede’s hand and pulls in a deep breath. He looks so tired that it makes Stede’s stomach hurt. Poor thing just needs a f*cking break. “I think we both know that we don’t have the luxury of being picky when it comes to allies and… together… we have a better chance of taking them down.”
Christ, he must’ve been a good lawyer.
Ed’s words hang in the air for a long moment while Zheng considers him silently. Her eyes flick over to Mary and Doug and after a little inhale she adjusts the wide strap suspending the flamethrower from her shoulder. A fresh wave of anxiety crawls through Stede’s body, terrified that Edward’s speech isn’t going to work, convincing as it was. He continues staring at Ed, unwilling to lose a single one of what might be his final moments looking at something other than the love of his life, his high, messy bun and his crystal clear doe eyes, his high cheekbones and his lovely mouth, so soft and so sweet.
My love.
My reclaimed stardust.
“Enemy of my enemy, huh?” Zheng sucks her teeth and glances back at her people, at the ones who hopped off the truck to stand behind her. “Is The Settlement coming for you specifically?” she asks. “For your people?”
Ed nods. “They are. They think we’re scavenging in Olympia and I’m sure a scout team is west of here right about now, but they’ll figure it out soon enough.”
Zheng’s eyes dart over to Doug again before looking at Stede for the first time since Ed started talking. She chews her lip before smiling sweetly and curling both index fingers to summon them closer, popping up on tiptoes to whisper.
“We’re going to come home with you… and when this is all over… those two are mine.”
Neither of them move or speak for a moment but Stede quickly realizes that all of their problems would disappear if they somehow get rid of the cannibals—The Settlement, apparently—and allow Zheng to remove the burden of living with their ex-ringleader afterwards…
“But—” Ed begins quietly, brows pushed down in frustration and hopelessness to glance over at Stede while Zheng drops back down onto her heels.
His eyes close for the briefest moment, lit up with the warm, diffuse light from the headlights blaring at the side of the building. The corner of his eye glistens lightly and Stede’s stomach lurches a moment before Edward shakes his head.
Godf*ckingdamnit.
“N—”
“Deal,” Stede breathes quickly.
“What?!” Ed gasps, turning to look at Stede incredulously.
“Fantastic!” Zheng says quickly.
~~~
Everyone is packed up and ready to go before dawn but Ed’s been sitting in the front seat of the truck for the last twenty minutes while Stede makes sure the vehicles are gassed up and ready to go. He’s glad Ed’s taking the break but he doesn’t care for the detached look on his face or the guarded, defensive edge to his posture.
Even when they all retreated to a quiet corner to eat a small breakfast and wait for dawn, when Stede had slid up behind him to twist his hair into a pair of braids, Ed had said nothing but a quiet thank you when he was done, barely meeting his eyes.
No one but Mary has slept more than an hour and everyone is on edge—though not with each other, Stede is pleased to see. Even with all of this tension, the rest of the crew isn’t getting cliquey. Fang is still fussing over Lucius and helping Pete. Henry and Charles are still working side by side with Roach, Frenchie, and John. Everyone really does seem to have bonded.
It’s comforting to know that, in this at least, they got it right. That the love they share brought together these groups of people who were clearly destined to be in one another’s lives.
Stede does one more quick sweep of the offices and the main loading dock, making sure nothing is being left behind and killing a little time before he has to get in the truck and face the anger and frustration in Ed’s eyes. He hasn’t said more than two words to anyone since Stede agreed to let Zheng and her people come to the lodge and Stede doesn’t blame him. He took liberties that weren’t really his to take, but he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to increase their numbers, to increase their chances of survival, to increase the time he gets to spend with his love before this barbaric, heinous world eventually does what it does. But he also doesn’t feel like he can talk about it until they’re truly alone.
He helps pile the sleeping things from the offices into the back of the van for the crew to sit on and catches Ed’s eye a few times but none of his smiles are returned and his f*cking stomach hurts.
Eventually, they’re fully packed up and everyone begins piling into the van, passing around a big plastic tub of beef jerky, and Stede finally heads to the truck after grabbing a few pieces for Ed.
He climbs into the cab and glances over before he starts the truck to see Ed staring at him. Stede passes over the jerky as the van in front of them pulls out of the bay, watching Henry who’s waiting outside, surrounded by Zheng’s vehicles where Charles is waiting. After Stede pulls the truck out, Henry closes the bay and quickly makes his way over to Zheng’s little convoy to join his husband.
Zheng is coming back with them, yes, but Henry and Charles are going back with her people to collect supplies and then bring them to the lodge. Everyone hates the arrangement. Ed hates it more than anyone, and Stede understands; his original crew is down to him and Fang.
Ed watches his friend until he disappears with Charles inside one of the trucks, then turns his attention out the window to watch Zheng’s truck follow after them. He feeds Stede bites of the dried meat strips as the miles tick on, and that makes him feel marginally better, but he still hasn’t said a word.
Disagreeing is normal. We can’t agree about everything, about the means to every end. It’s normal and it doesn’t portend the world ending again.
He takes a deep breath and catches Ed’s fingers when he brings them close to feed Stede another bite of their snack.
“How would the old you feel about who you are now?” Stede asks, breaking the silence and pressing a kiss to Ed’s palm. He can’t take the f*cking quiet and distance anymore. “About the things you’ve done? Would he be horrified or would he be secure in knowing that you did what you had to do while still preserving who you were?”
“Are you preserving who you were?” Ed asks quietly.
“I like to think so.” He sighs with relief when Ed’s fingers curl around his cheek and he glances over to find his favorite big brown eyes staring at him.
“The old you would have sacrificed the mother of your children?” he asks blankly.
Shock fills Stede’s chest with an unsteady, stuttering beat. He hadn’t even considered that Edward had taken his acceptance of the terms seriously—he was surprised Zheng had after labeling him a liar! Stede had assumed that working with these strangers on their own turf had been the upsetting factor.
“Sweetheart, I’m not going to let anyone take Mary. By the time this is over, these other people will know she’s pregnant and I’ll be able to negotiate for her and her baby. It’s also more likely than not that Doug will be heavily targeted during the fight but… if he does somehow survive and Zheng still hasn’t changed her mind once she sees how dedicated he is to starting over… I’ll try to appeal to her better nature.”
Ed’s leaning over now, pressed against Stede’s arm, staring at the side of his face.
“You were never going to let her have them?”
Stede sighs and shakes his head.
“Gun to your head, I absolutely would, but I’m going to do my very best to keep that from being my only two options.” Stede lets go of a humorless laugh and pulls Ed against his chest. “I thought you were angry with me because I said Zheng and her little delegation could come back to the lodge.” He shakes his head and nuzzles a kiss into the part in Ed’s hair. “Monstrous times don’t necessarily make monstrous people,” he reminds Ed quietly.
“We’re not monsters yet,” Ed echoes, barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry.”
“For what, my love?” Stede asks, utterly mystified. “That you were trying to keep my morals intact?”
“No, just… that I thought—” He shakes his head. “I know you better than that. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t ever be sorry for that. I want you to call me out if you think I’m slipping. It’s too easy to slide once you slip.” Stede rests his cheek on the top of Ed’s head while he curls into his side and settles into a more comfortable position. He can’t quite let go of the hollow ache in his belly and surges on with his favorite pastime of unraveling Ed like a ball of yarn. “So… would old you be accepting of new you?”
A long beat passes before Ed nods. “Even if old me was horrified… I’d do it all again to get to you.”
“I would, too, baby boy,” he says and kisses Ed’s head again, flooded with affection by the answer. “And as far as I can tell, you’ve kept your conduct very above board.”
“But…” Ed hesitates and looks up into Stede’s eyes. “Gun to your head… I would give Doug up, too, and I don’t know what that says about me.”
Stede nods and drags his fingers down the part between Ed’s braids.
“That we’re surviving,” he says softly, shifting Ed down to lay on his lap. “That we found something to hold on to.”
Ed nods against Stede’s thigh and turns his head up to look at him again—looking up my nose, Stede realizes and grins widely, glancing down to tap his fingertip against the tip of Ed’s nose, giving him a little boop.
“I love you,” Ed says. He sounds exhausted and his eyes are red and dull.
“I love you, sweet boy,” he murmurs and curls his hand under Ed’s chin. “Take a nap.”
A kiss grazes his palm before Ed yawns into it and snuggles into Stede’s thigh, warm and safe and so sweet that a stinging begins behind Stede’s eyes and he has to blink his vision clear again.
He’s never experienced a disagreement that was so… amicable before. Conflicts with Mary had always quickly escalated to arguments, which then fell apart to either sullen silences that never brought about a resolution, or even one of them leaving, sometimes for days.
He looks down at Ed resting peacefully on his thigh, watches the path his fingertips take over the short beard on his cheek.
Nobody is taking this from me.
~~~
They squirrel themselves away for the night in an old feed store in Eatonville. Ed told him the story one night of how he’d cleared it alone after they lost Ivan. At the beginning of their two and a half week journey on foot, he’d broken away from the group, left them to scavenge the small town for gas and supplies, and went wandering alone for a bit. The feed store had been full of roamers and Ed had just… strolled in, machete in hand.
The way he described what was happening between his mind and his body and the disconnect that was screaming to let him feel something while he desperately tried not to feel anything at all is far too familiar. It reminds Stede of the days and nights he spent clearing entire city blocks in Seattle, the deep and aching loneliness and despair that sought out the company of the dead, if only to exist for a short time in a space where loss didn’t exist.
Despite the cover and security of thick walls and heavy doors with strong locks, he’s surprised Ed suggested staying here, filled with ghosts as it must be for him.
Zheng fills up her truck in a shopping center parking lot for the next leg of the trip before they head in for the night and even offers to top off the cans to take back with them. The rest of her people are probably back at the compound outside Tacoma by now, but she seems to have zero fears about coming back with them alone.
Her people are following in a few days—there’s twice as many as were present at the warehouse! Almost sixty!—with more food and weapons and supplies. After talking for a bit while they sit around eating some of the MREs in the large, open seed room with the vehicles pulled into the huge tractor garage, Stede decides he actually likes Zheng. She’s blunt and opinionated but she’s kind and funny and while formidable, she seems like a very genuine, what-you-see-is-what-you-get person. She laughs easily and shares freely, has a quip and a comeback for everything. It could be an act, of course, but nothing about it feels forced.
And she treats Mary and Doug badly enough that it’s also pretty believable.
Maybe she does just want to get rid of the threat. Maybe this is a sign of something growing and developing between survivor groups.
Maybe their chance for community and redemption isn’t gone forever.
After they’ve eaten and divvied up the watch schedule, Stede leads Ed over to the far corner, to pallets stacked with huge bags of potting soil. The blankets and pillows from the back of the van were brought in and are strewn across floors over thick saddle blankets. Frenchie and John are setting up for the first watch, but Roach is already swaying lightly in a hammock, Fang and Pete are building a little nest of dog beds for Lucius, and Stede has a little partition closing in a pile of huge, ten pound bags of sawdust covered in a thick quilt. The sparkly blanket Stede made from the yarn in Seattle is waiting for him and his face lights up as he dives for it.
Stede smiles, watching Ed fondly before climbing in after him, tucking another blanket around them while Ed settles in with his cheek on Stede’s chest. The warm weight is comforting and makes Stede’s entire body go limp and boneless. The shifting sawdust actually isn’t too uncomfortable and between the warm blanket and the warmer body, the warm hand sliding under his shirt to crawl up his belly to his chest, he’s comfortable enough that he’s already fighting to keep his eyes open.
“I’m so f*cking tired,” Stede says, fighting a huge yawn.
“You’ve finally eaten properly,” Ed says gently, curling and uncurling his fingers sweetly against Stede’s sternum. “Oh, and you’ve been up for like two and a half days.”
Stede smiles and kisses his forehead.
“Been a helluva two and a half days.”
“Still pissed that Zheng f*cked up my glow.”
Stede buries a snicker in Ed’s hair and holds him a little tighter.
“My poor baby boy,” he murmurs, tipping Ed’s face up for a kiss that begins with smiles and grasping fingers. “I’ll make it up to you.”
Ed rocks a little nod against his mouth and Stede lingers in the kiss, amazed as he always is when Ed kisses him like this, that he’s lucky enough to be able to touch Ed this way and claim his mouth this way, to taste him and experience his beautiful body and his breathtaking love. He knows he gets a little lost in it, dragging the kisses out greedily, but he’d never enjoyed kissing before he tasted Ed’s lips and, at this point, he’s just in awe that he’s allowed to fly this close to the sun without his f*cking wings melting off.
“You can make it up to me now,” Ed whispers before smothering Stede’s chuckle with another kiss.
“Right,” Stede breathes, heavy with skepticism. “There are nine other people in this room and you, my sweet boy, will alert all of them to our activities.”
“I would be so quiet,” he argues softly, dragging his nails down Stede’s chest lightly. “Like I was in the farmhouse, remember?” His hot mouth moves to Stede’s neck, grazing sharp teeth over his pulse and chasing the nip with a sweep of his tongue. “I was so good for you, daddy—”
Stede quickly catches Ed’s throat in a tight grip as his co*ck f*cking throbs with a wave of heat.
“You are impossible,” Stede says against the shell of Ed’s ear.
But Ed’s hand slides back down Stede’s belly, over his hip, and grazes his dick.
Stede grins widely. He’ll have to release Ed’s throat to grab his hand and that’ll just make room for Ed’s slu*tty little mouth to start running again, so he tightens his grip, doubling down. Ed’s big, beautiful eyes soften and turn glassy—gorgeous. He looks more relaxed than he has all day, even when he napped in the truck, and Stede pulls him in closer to—
“Oh nuh-uh!” Lucius whisper-shouts from the other side of the quiet room. “I felt that disturbance in the force. Whomever is thinking about f*cking, no you’re not…”
“Nobody is f*cking in this room!” Frenchie whispers vehemently.
Ed’s sleepy smile stretches across their kiss and he breaks away to look up at Stede with the sweetest expression on his face—tired and peaceful and f*cking gooey with affection.
Christ, he’s beautiful.
“Please! You’re the ones planning on staying awake,” Lucius argues.
“Oh, come on—You know it’s Ed and Stede,” John shoots back.
“Shhh,” Ed hisses sleepily. “Stede’s asleep.”
“Oop.”
“f*ck. Sorry.”
Stede snickers against Ed’s mouth and they share a nuzzling smile that becomes another long, leisurely kiss.
“I love you,” Stede says in the barest whisper.
“Mmmm, I love you so much,” Ed breathes slowly, kicking Stede’s heart into overdrive and turning his mouth dry. He says it because he means it, always, but he’s still not quite used to hearing that this angel of a human loves him, and sometimes he just needs to hear it. “I can’t wait to get home.”
“Up to our cabin?” Stede asks, pulling Ed fully on top of him to squish him deeper into the sawdust.
Ed nods and nuzzles into the crook of his neck, settling deeper with a wide yawn.
“Our cabin,” he smiles. “We can finally break into the good stuff in the farmer’s toy stash.”
Stede’s co*ck jumps again at the thought and Ed squirms the slightest bit, just a tiny nudge of his hips before he snuggles in to press a kiss to Stede’s jaw.
“Tomorrow night,” Stede breathes, dragging his fingertips lazily up and down Ed’s spine, enjoying the way his weight drops slowly as his body goes limp and their very skin seems to meld together. It’s relaxing and comforting and Stede’s eyes slip closed. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do to you tomorrow night.”
“I don’t care how tired we are,” Ed warns.
His voice is muffled and slower, just as sleepy as Stede is, maybe more. Poor thing. He just cares so much—about everything. It has to get exhausting.
He has to find a way to give Ed a break, even for just a day or two, so he can recharge his batteries.
Stede could use a couple days himself, if he’s honest. He’s f*cking exhausted and lately, any time he’s close to Ed, when the smell of his skin is soaking the air around him and their breaths are shared and their hearts beat in tandem, Stede finds himself so f*cking relaxed that all of the tension he normally carries around with him just slips away. It leaves him blessedly light, momentarily unencumbered by the f*cking hellscape of the rest of their lives.
But this—he curls his arms up Ed’s back for one more nuzzling hug—this makes everything alright.
“Goodnight, my love,” Stede says quietly, already half asleep while he kisses Ed’s temple again and again, excited to wake up in the morning and still have the love of his life in his arms.
“Mmm’night daddy,” Ed mumbles softly, burrowing into the embrace.
The flood of emotion has been so overwhelming lately, so incredibly strong and intense that Stede’s lashes are suddenly damp. He keeps his eyes closed and holds Ed a little tighter, nuzzling his face into the side of his head and gently kneading his hands up Ed’s back again.
“Oh, my sweet boy,” he sighs, coiling them together with a thrum of satisfaction deep in his heart. “Do you know I’ve never slept as well as I sleep with you on top of me like this?”
He keeps his voice low, just a quiet breath, barely a whisper as Ed’s breaths come slower and deeper. Together, they slip into the cozy little space between awake and asleep where nothing else seems to exist but the places their bodies are connected and their hearts beating slow and strong, in time with one another.
“Being with you makes me feel more like who I was meant to be than anything else ever has,” Stede continues quietly, wishing that there were any words in existence that could enable him to properly express this feeling burning in his chest. “You‘ve made me feel worth something, like I matter, not because I’m useful or for what I can offer… just because I…”
Ed’s breathing is slow and deep and Stede trails off to watch the small smile that’s still playing around the corner of his mouth, soft and peaceful.
His kids were the only ones who had ever given his life meaning before. They need him and his people need him… but Edward wants him.
“Your life makes mine… mean something,” he breathes, gently smoothing Ed’s little slu*t strands back from his forehead, hoping the words penetrate whatever dreams are playing behind his lids to make them a bit sweeter. “You gave me back my children and my purpose—my life,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to Ed’s temple again. “And you can have the rest of it. It belongs to you, either way, my love. Hardly even feels like mine, anymore.”
A soft, sleepy little hum buzzes against Stede’s neck and Ed grasps onto him weakly, uncoordinated in his mostly asleep state.
“I love you,” Stede breathes, mind filling with shadows as sleep creeps in to slow his thoughts and dampen his fears, replacing the constant hum of anxiety with something far sweeter and quieter.
~~~
“We scavenged a lot on the way,” Ed says, feeding Stede another strip of dried fruit. “Gas was the main concern but that’s when we learned to use the local vegetation—not that we hadn’t before, but I found a…” He grins widely, proud and almost bashful. “A foraging guide? It has all the plants! And then we knew what was safe. And a safe way to check if it was safe if we weren’t sure.”
Stede’s trip had felt like it had taken ages, with his considerably larger group. The extra weight in the vehicles of bodies and supplies had taken a toll on their gas consumption, even with all of the octane boosters Ed had gifted them. He’s admitted to giving them in the hopes that Stede would follow. He’s admitted to purposefully dawdling, clearing and scavenging and killing time to give Stede and his people the opportunity to catch up.
Stede’s ten weeks of hell had been spent first in denial and petulance and then in a desperate f*cking rush as every possible obstacle tangled his feet and kept him from reaching Ed quickly. From blown tires to a nasty flu that had everyone laid up for over two weeks, the whole trip had been a struggle. But Ed doesn’t need to know that. Because poor Ed had spent ten long, grueling weeks f*cking waiting, which is infinitely worse. And all throughout his long journey—dealing with the loss of one of his best friends, fighting day in and day out to protect the rest of his people in unfamiliar and unknown territory (often unprotected and exposed to the elements)—he also had to live with the thought that, after he asked Stede to follow him and expressed how he felt, that he’d been refused, cast off, abandoned.
Stede had felt much of the same, but he hadn’t had the nerve to voice any of it, so if he had been abandoned, well… it was his own fault.
“You’ve accomplished so much,” Stede says, around his bite of chili mango, giving his beautiful, smart, perfect love a fond look. “We have a real shot at making this work—of starting life over because of all you’ve done. There'll be a lot of extra mouths to feed with Zheng’s people, but it also means we’ll have the hands to plant crops and maybe even raise some cattle—chickens if we can find them. The farmhouses can be fixed up and rigged with electric fences to keep the roamers out and the animals safe… It’s real and it’s all because of you.”
Ed’s eyes are glassy and he sniffles a bit, beaming a gorgeous smile.
He loves being praised, Stede knows that, but this need for this kind of validation runs so much deeper.
All of the doubting and second-guessing Ed’s done has taken its toll. Leaving Seattle meant they lost each other, which was a big enough blow, but then he lost Ivan, and took in a f*cking cannibal, all after killing his best friend. But, as Stede’s reminded him, earnestly and often, Ed also saved his children, kept all of them fed and healthy, built the beginnings of some semblance of a civilization, devised a plan that got them the food and medicine and the supplies they need to keep them alive for years to come.
He’s saved all of them. Every single member of their crew owes their lives to Ed, and still he doubts that he’s made the right decisions because the bad is all he can see.
“Told you I just wanted something to offer you,” he says, trying to sound dismissive and nonchalant, but he’s f*cking glowing. “You gave up so much to come find me.”
“And even when you thought I wasn’t coming, you still fought for it.”
Ed nibbles a little piece of mango and watches the road ahead for a moment.
“Do you really think we have a chance?” he asks quietly. “Doug said there’s nearly two hundred people in The Settlement and—”
“They’re spread out,” Stede interjects gently. Again. They’ve had this conversation so many times that Stede can recite his part from memory. “We have a better chance if we hit hard before they have the chance to move on us. We have weapons and explosives and we know the area. We have the numbers and the resources now. We will get through this because I refuse to lose something this good right after I got it back.”
Ed nods and is quiet for another moment. He holds Stede’s hand and feeds him another slice of mango, fingers lingering on his cheek.
“It’ll take time for them to get that many people mobile, longer to actually make the journey,” he says pensively. “And that smaller outpost in Clear Lake is closest… If we take it and Doug really can get them to join us like he thinks…”
“Convincing them with a community that works together for sustainability and freedom—where they don’t have to worry about getting their heads smashed in with a hammer or f*cking eaten—I mean… that shouldn’t be too difficult,” Stede says with a proud smile. “We have a lot to offer, and surely the average person doesn’t want to be a cannibal. It might be the escape they’re looking for.”
“Yeah,” Ed sighs, not sounding as convinced as Stede would like. “But giving up a guarantee of safety and walls for the promise of safety and walls…? Up a mountain. In the winter? After fighting their own people?” He shakes his head. “I just hope it’s enough.”
“It will be—”
“And if it’s not, it’ll either come to a fight or the rest of The Settlement having a heads up.” He scoffs lightly and his next breath sounds so tired and defeated that it makes Stede’s stomach hurt. “Probably both.”
“Leaving is still an option, sweetheart,” Stede says gently. “I know we don’t want to have to do that but if it comes down to it, and it looks like we’re not going to get the outcome we want… we’ll leave.”
A beat passes and Ed fully turns in his seat, bending his hurt knee to fold his leg beneath him and scoot closer.
“You can’t let them take the kids away from us,” he says seriously.
“That won’t happen,” Stede says immediately, curling an arm behind Ed’s back to pull him in the rest of the way.
He tucks Ed’s face against his chest, hoping to keep the moisture in his eyes a secret, but his f*cking heart is cracking open.
“It can’t,” Ed mumbles, muffled into Stede’s shirt, but the words are desperate, laced with fear. “I love them.”
Stede pulls in a deep breath and rubs his palm over Ed’s back as a tear slides down his cheek.
I’d kill Mary and Doug myself before I let them take my kids again.
“It won’t.”
~~~
“Hey, uh… Stede?”
Olu is behind the van, separate from the rest of the crew who are carrying in boxes and wheeling in the huge totes stuffed with their loot. They’d had a quick conversation, informing the ones who stayed behind about what happened and the agreement they’d come to. Naturally there had been questions but the arrangement had been accepted by everyone.
Well, almost everyone.
Archie is in bed with a cold and both kids have the sniffles, so they’re staying out of the snow, but everyone else is fine, if not a little anxious.
Zheng’s presence is a surprise, of course, and though she’s been just as pleasant as she’s been since the death threats stopped, Jim, Buttons, and the Swede are skirting around her a bit. Olu’s been giving her curious, wary looks and she’s been returning them with eager smiles, but they’ve also kept their distance.
Stede passes Zheng now with a polite smile, making his way over to Olu. Ed and Mary are checking on the kids and everyone else is busy with unloading the haul.
“How was everything here?” Stede asks as he walks up, catching the anxious glint in Olu’s eye. “Everything alright?”
“I knew it was a cookfire.”
Oh, f*ck.
Olu had spotted what looked to be a very small wisp of smoke off in the distance the day of the eclipse. He’d called Stede over for another opinion but the wind in the valley had been blowing from the north, snaking around the dark face of the mountain. It had been impossible to tell from so far away, amid the tall stand of trees, swaying in the sharp gusts. There had been no glimpse of fire, though, no other signs of any kind of habitation, and they’d both written it off as a gust of snow caught in the wind.
Apparently they’d been very f*cking wrong.
“What happened?”
“Man came up when I was on watch night before last,” Olu says quietly, casting a glance around to make sure they’re still alone. “He gave himself up and said he wanted to talk to you and Ed. Wouldn’t give me his name—wouldn’t talk to me at all.”
Stede’s vision narrows and a cold drip of anxiety slides down his spine.
“I wanted to tell you before Ed ca—”
A raised hand silences Olu and Stede shakes his head before looking up at the sky. Still early enough.
“Where is he?”
“I’m guessing it’s the same farmhouses where you found Arch.”
“Get ready to go. We’ll leave in ten,” Stede says as he turns towards the lodge to find Ed.
Mary is rifling around in a box of meds but Ed is cuddled up with the kids on the sofa, showing Louis the temporary tattoos that he’d asked for so they can match and the Lego set Ed’s been so excited about. Alma is curled up at the far end near the fireplace with one of the books they brought back propped up on a pillow and her feet on Ed’s lap.
It’s the sweetest f*cking thing Stede’s ever seen—his favorite people quietly and casually loving each other—and all three of his favorite faces turn to him when he walks in.
“Hi daddy!” Alma and Louis both call.
Both of their little noses are pink, but they seem fine otherwise, all smiles and clear eyes. Ed doesn’t look worried either and Stede’s sure he’s already kissed their foreheads to check for fevers and asked after all their ailments. He’s relaxed and smiling, clearly happy to be home.
Stede strides over and offers a round of (still cool) forehead kisses, saving Ed for last.
“Will you stay here with the kids while Olu and I go release the snares and fill the water jugs?” Stede asks quietly, pressing another round of kisses to Ed’s cheeks.
His big brown eyes go a little wide and he looks back at the door before settling on Stede’s face again.
“I won’t be long, but I don’t think both of us should leave them again,” he adds in a whisper.
His stomach is sour and roils with the bitter lie on his tongue but f*cking puzzle pieces are clicking together and he’s seeing f*cking red.
Ed nods after a moment and pulls at the heel of a boot with the toe of the other. Stede drops down to the floor immediately and pulls off his boots, kneading into his knee gently for a moment while Lou shows off his “soccer ball spaceship.”
They chat for a moment while Mary comes over with bottles of decongestants and multivitamins. The kids are giving them careful looks, watching the tentative peace with guarded expressions, seemingly soothed that Ed and Mary are almost friendly, maybe even how they’d been before Stede came back and disrupted the peace of their lies.
Ed breaks the tension by asking after Tabitha and Alma sighs, rolling her eyes to tell Ed what a bitch his goat is, once again. She chewed on Alma’s shirt and head butted Louis so hard he fell over, knocked over a whole bottle of milk and threw a tantrum the first two nights because Ed hadn’t delivered her dinner. She kicked the walls, apparently.
“I’m sorry she was such a pain,” Ed says through a wide smile. “But just know that daddy wants a whole farm down the hill, so you’re gonna have to get used to bitchy livestock.”
Alma groans as the front door opens again and Ed and Stede both turn to see Olu standing in the doorway, gesturing vaguely to the vehicles.
Stede nods and stands to give another round of kisses and lingers to hug Ed tightly.
“Thank you for staying with them,” he whispers.
“Of course,” Ed breathes back. “They’re… you know…”
“Yours, too,” Stede offers when he trails off. “I know.”
They share a smile and Ed nods eagerly.
“Yeah. They kinda are.”
“I’ll be back so soon.”
“I know,” Ed says with a hard blink. “Be careful.”
“Always.” One more kiss. One more sick, guilty twist in his stomach. “I love you three so much,” he says a little louder. “Take care of each other.”
~~~
The blood-soaked farmhouse is just as they left it when they left with Archie. The tang of corpses is still thick and heavy and the huge puddles of blood are just as jarring as they were the first time he’d been here with Ed and every fiber of his being was lurching for them to leave.
He flicks through the timeline of the last year once more as Olu leads him down the hallway. He starts with the events at the school in Seattle, with Mary and the kids and the Badminton twins going missing. Then Edward’s tale of the fight with Izzy in the huge storm that had hit Seattle only three weeks after they moved to the yacht club.
All of that makes sense. The timelines match up.
What doesn’t make sense is Archie being witness to Izzy threatening Mary months after they were taken—not if he was supposedly dead three weeks later. What doesn’t make sense is Izzy hitting Louis shortly before Doug got them out of Seattle.
What doesn’t make sense is how the f*ck he survived.
But the long, shiny scar going from the man’s temple to disappear into his hairline is a pretty decent explanation. The wooden leg explains how he survived the sprinter bite Ed saw with his own eyes as he ran through the rain.
But Ed didn’t know amputation was an option.
“Izzy, I assume?” Stede asks, striding into the room after Olu.
The man turns sharp, narrow eyes on Stede, chewing on the rag stuffed in his mouth, leaning forward defiantly to pull against the ropes lashing him to the chair.
“Olu says you wanted to talk to me,” Stede begins, pulling out the large handgun they’d found in one of the houses on the way to Tacoma.
Olu has clearly spent some time down here in the last couple of days because one of the folding director’s chairs that came with them from Seattle is sitting opposite of Izzy and Stede sinks into it as Olu steps out of the room.
Izzy finally shakes his head minutely and Stede sighs.
“I know. You wanted Edward here as well… but you see the problem, Izzy…” Stede crosses his legs and rests the new, bigger gun on his lap, seething that this is the man that tried to kill Ed—his best friend. “…is that Edward thinks you’re dead. He’s been torturing himself for an entire year because he thought he killed you. Which, I’m sure even you can agree, is ridiculous seeing as you tried to kill him first,” he spits through his teeth.
Izzy struggles against his ropes for the first time, gnawing on the rag stuffed into his mouth and tied around his head while Stede calmly clicks off the safety and pulls the slide back.
“He’s making peace with it,” Stede continues, as if there’d been no interruption. “He’s trying anyway, but if you come back… if he has to kill you again—because he won’t allow you to live, not now—it’ll hurt him all over again. And… I’m sure you can appreciate that I can’t let that happen.”
Izzy struggles again, mumbling incoherently into the rag until Stede stands and crosses the few steps of space between them to ungag him.
“You’re going to want me alive,” Izzy rasps, dragging his tongue around his mouth.
Stede scoffs and sits back down in his chair to lean forward and meet the furious gaze, elbows planted on his knees, forcefully reminded that man in front of him hit his son so hard that his lip split.
“Why on earth would I want you alive?” he asks incredulously.
“Because Edward’s mother is in The Settlement.”
~~~
“I need to talk to you,” Stede says against Ed’s neck.
They’ve just gotten back with the line of game and topped off water jugs that Olu was kind enough to see to while Stede questioned Izzy about The Settlement.
Dinner prep is in full swing and Ed’s got the kids (and Mary) napping while he tends to his goat. They’re standing in the middle of Tabitha’s room with their arms wound around each other while their thighs are repeatedly struck by a very hard goat head.
“So do I,” Ed says with a nod.
Stede wants to tell him about Izzy. He needs to tell Ed that he’s alive, that he’s down the hill, that he wants to help take Jack down and crush The Settlement and get Ed’s mother out of there.
But the words won’t come. He can’t bring himself to fill Ed’s beautiful eyes with guilt and fear and anger, to dredge up the hurt that’s as much a part of him as his own breath.
“You first,” he says, half choked, and clears his throat. “Tell me what you need, my love.”
Ed’s mouth pops open around a deep breath.
“I know you wanted me to stay with the kids and I love them so much that I don’t mind that at all, but… unless it’s absolutely necessary, I don’t want to stay behind when you have to go somewhere,” he blurts before sucking in another deep breath. “Nono, I know!” Stede’s not sure what his face is doing but Ed’s reacting to it with contrition and he tries to rearrange his features. “I know I said I wanted to take a step back, and I will! I promise! I just… I don’t—I can’t be away from you yet,” he finishes quietly.
God, he can’t even handle this! How can he handle another heavy layer of stress on top of everything else? How can I add to his suffering when I’m supposed to be alleviating it?!
“I understand, sweetheart,” Stede says gently, pulling Ed back into a deep hug, once again, hoping to hide the expression on his face while anguish squirms madly in his belly. “I won’t leave you again.”
“Thank you,” Ed sighs immediately body turning soft and pliant, melting and forming into the shape of their embrace as he relaxes against Stede.
“Of course.” f*cking god—tell him! “You know I’d do anything for you.” f*ck!
A happy hum buzzes against his jaw and Ed smiles softly, draping his arms over Stede’s shoulders.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” he mumbles against Stede’s cheek, pressing sweet little kisses all over his face.
“Hmm? No—nothing.” f*ck. “Same thing,” Stede says, hitching a smile in place and cupping Ed’s chin to look him in the eyes. “I don’t like being away from you.”
“Yeah?” Ed grins and lets his eyes slip closed to push into a slow, lingering kiss.
Stede nods, fracturing inside, desperately looking for a way to salvage anyf*ckingthing without hurting this precious heart that’s been entrusted in his hands.
If there is a way… he can’t see it. Not now. Maybe things will be more clear in the morning.
“I love you so much, darling boy,” Stede breathes into the kiss, holding Ed’s face greedily.
“I love you, too,” he whispers, smiling happily and clinging to Stede. “So so much.”
**** **** **** ****
To be continued.
