How to Cancel Your Vonage Service « joshua sarkis prowse is yoursinwriting.com (2024)

As I mentioned yesterday, I cancelled my Vonage VOIP account. What I didn’t mention is that I was an impatient jerk when I did it. I have been reading too much about corporate “retention” programs on the internet, and it made me jumpy.

The most recent story is about a rep from AOL who dragged a client through a patience-shredding script as part of the cancellation process. What made it news was that the client recorded the ridiculous call, and it has since come out that this treatment, in large part, is policy for how AOL deals with any customers who try to leave. A former “retainer” made AOL’s manual available to the public. After going through all this stuff, and reading dozens of other horror stories about trying to cancel services of all kinds, I was ready to go to war to get rid of my Vonage account.

At first, I was talking to Jen, a happy customer service person. Maybe this won’t be so bad. I told her I wanted to cancel my service because I don’t use it anymore. Jen informed me she was forwarding my call to Vonage’s “Account Management” department. Of course, this is industry-speak for dumping you into a pit of vipers who do everything they can to keep you from cancelling. But I wasn’t interested in negotiating, or being up- or down-sold, I just wanted the account cancelled.

The guy who came on the phone never gave his name. He asked me why I wanted to cancel the account.

“Didn’t Jen tell you why? I already explained this to her,” I said. See what I mean? I was ready to rock-and-roll.

“She just said she had you on the line,” he said. Then he started the spiel. “I see you’ve been a customer with us for a long time–”

“Just cancel the account,” I said.

“Tell me why you want to cancel your service,” he said. He was pleasant, but you could hear him readying for a comeback.

“No,” I said. “Just cancel the account.”

“Sir, you have to tell me why you want to cancel.”

“No actually, I don’t,” I said. “I’m the customer, I’m done with your service, and I’m telling you to cancel the account. You don’t need a reason. Cancel the account.”

He was flustered. Rightly so; I was being an asshole as a preemptive strike against his future assholishness. “Sir, have I given you any attitude? Why are you giving me attitude? You have to tell me why you want to cancel.”

Ed’s Note: Josh was tempted to point out that “attitude” requires an adjective to indicate whether it is positive or negative. He did not.

Now I was revved up. It’s a genetic thing, where about once a year, I need to vent on a poor, unsuspecting person in retail. It’s my stress release.

“Get this into your head,” I said, calmly. “I do not need to give you a reason. If your computer system requires a reason, or your company requires a reason, it is the fault of your computer, or your company, and I don’t care. Cancel my account.”

“I need a reason,” he said.

I asked him if he had heard the AOL conversation. He hadn’t. I told him I was recording the call (another neat trick you can do quite easily with Skype and some extra software) in order to add to the growing pile of horrible customer service experiences. He insisted that he still needed a reason. I relented.

“I’m cancelling because it’s raining outside,” I said.

Ed’s Note: It was not raining. But this was probably better than his first inkling, which was “because your mother wears army boots.”

There was a pause. “Because it’s raining outside,” he repeated.

“Yes,” I said. “Do you see how asinine this is? We could be done by now, but you insist on needing information, which you don’t. Cancel the account.”

I heard typing sounds in the background. He was talking to himself, loudly enough so that I could hear: “… customer recording call… giving attitude… refused to provide reason for cancellation…”

At this point I was laughing; I know I contribute to the bad in the universe when I behave this way, but I also like to think that my targets are usually deserving of payback, so in some way I am balancing a scale, true to my Libran nature.

After a brief stint on hold while he finalized the cancellation, he came back, told me it was done, and I politely thanked him and told him to have a great day.

For future reference, if you want to cancel your account quickly, without conflict, and don’t mind lying, your best bet is to tell the service rep that you are moving to a new residence that already has the service. Obviously, not nearly as much fun.

(If you have a doozy of a customer service story, please add it to the comments!)

EDIT: I figured it out! Dilbert is handling Vonage’s tech support!